"all talk", hah?

ugh.. i woke up this morning at probably about 2 am and went to the bathroom, lied back down in bed and i couldn't fall back asleep for at least 20-30 minutes, so i slipped my headset on for my cpap (i don't like putting this shit on because the piece of shit makes my nose red, i was thinking about it this morning and my cpap mask resembles the muzzle we used to put on my mom's dog before it died and it ripped up his nose- while clawing at his nose with his own nails trying to get the muzzle off..). i finally fell asleep but i didn't get much sleep because i can tell just my mood right now. i'm irritated and i just have this feeling that i wanna scream in frustration. IT'S NOT MY "TIME OF THE MONTH" EITHER. i'm pretty sure it has something to do with the LACK of sleep i was able to get. i blame genetics also. if my mom and grandparents wouldn't have selfishly smoked their fuckin cigarettes while i was around- I'D BE ABLE TO BREATHE NORMALLY WHILE SLEEPING AND NOT HAVE TO RELY ON SOME PIECE OF SHIT MACHINE THAT'S SUPPOSED TO HELP ME SLEEP BUT IT RIPS THE FUCK OUTTA MY NOSE AND MAKES IT RED. i threw that fuckin mask off my face two or three times the night before because the piece of shit was bothering my nose and making it red and the fucker wouldn't even stay on. i could say, "well now i know what i NEVER want to put my own kids through!" but i'm not even sure i still want to have kids. not in this economy and i don't wanna even take the risk of putting them through the shit i've had to go through and/or pass down ANY of the shit I have to deal with thanks to genetics (this cpap mask situation being JUST one of the examples). "your mom did her best to raise you!! don't be so hard on her!" no. she didn't. WERE YOU THERE? DID YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THE SHIT THAT ME AND MY SIBLINGS DID(WELL, MOSTLY ME AND MY BROTHER BECAUSE MY SISTER WAS THE "GOLDEN CHILD" IN OUR FAMILY)?! my brother shared with me a story about jonas (my sister's dad) hitting him in the eye when we were younger and he almost poked his eye out- what did my mom do? BITCH AT MY BROTHER, OF COURSE! an example of her *great* parenting. i'm sure my grandparents seen that my mom wasn't able to handle all of us kids, so they stepped in and me and my brother lived at my grandparents' house for probably at least 5 years.. so NO- she did NOT do her best.. she had ASSISTANCE. i'm also majorly depressed because one of the ladies from sabathani called me and wanted to see if she could give me another role at sabathani which helped more and she wanted to know if i had any skills tests taken but when i told my job coach, she basically shot the idea down and said, "i can't release those records without a release of information. i'd have to talk to my supervisor." i don't even think she brought it up to her supervisor. i'm gonna call him after i get done eating and ask him. like people don't want me to progress in life. KINDA LIKE WITH THAT APARTMENT OFFER I GOT FROM CONCORD. people weren't prepared to let me move up and on- SO I HAD TO TURN IT DOWN. THIS LACK OF SUPPORT IS KILLING ME AND IT'S GONNA GET TO ME WHEN I'M NOT ABLE TO STOP WHAT I'M DOING IN REACTION TO IT AND THAT'LL BE IT. so my suggestion is people need to start actually fucking doing their jobs properly or i'm not gonna be here anymore to deal with this shit. my ex care coordinator had a son who also had a brain injury and she used to always say i was "all talk, no action".. i'm sure she said that shit to her son too, who ended up killing himself.. i wonder why. with empathy like that telling you that you're "all talk, no action" (i'm sure she said the same shit to him)- he figured he'd shut her stupid ass up and just killed himself. same thing might happen in my situation too if PEOPLE DON'T START ACTUALLY START DOING THEIR FUCKING JOBS PROPERLY. people honestly think i'm gonna put up with this shit because they have better things to do rather than make sure things are working right for me. "YOU GOT THIS!" no i fuckin don't. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A TBI AND ATTEMPTED TO TELL PEOPLE WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOURSELF? obviously not, so stfu. find someone who will actually help me (not just at their own time or when it's convenient for THEM either). it's been over 24 fuckin years since i was in my accident and 14 years since my grandma died.. I'M STILL IN THIS FUCKIN STATE. FIGHTING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND IT'S YOUR FUCKING FAULT. YOU CAN SAY I DID THIS TO MYSELF BUT WHEN A PERSON HAS A FAMILY- THEY GENERALLY EXPECT THEIR FAMILY TO ACTUALLY CARE ENOUGH TO TRY TO MAKE THEM TRULY SATISFIED AND HAPPY WITH THEIR LIVES- NOT JUST WHAT'S CONVENIENT FOR YOU BECAUSE *GASP* THIS ISN'T *YOUR* LIFE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT! take your head out of your entitled ass and grow a damn heart.